First of all excuse the graphic image which of course does not belong to me but to it's owner, producer etc. but if you read on you'll see why it's apt!
Oh my goodness there is no place to start. The longer I left it the more difficult it became to actually post on here because it had been so long I thought any few loyal readers would either have long gone by now or be unimpressed with me. I have no excuse but for flu's and distractions and serious relationship issues. Explanations in a bit. First of all, how are you all? I hope you've all been okay and that life has been treating you well.
Me, I've been okay but found myself knocked down with the cold/flu a few times one after the other which left my energy levels depleted, had candles to make for my other business, t shirts to design for the spring, degree studies and the breakdown of my relationship. I hope you can see I have had a rather a lot to contend with. But I've picked myself up and am going onwards and upwards in my efforts to improve my life. Still heartbroken and really just that left now in terms of hard things to cope with. I ended it because I didn't feel loved enough and as he didn't fight me too hard that made it worse! What I suspected was true. He wasn't serious enough. I'm hoping he just hasn't learnt how much I mean to him yet and I'm hoping this end is temporary but I know this could be a permanent thing. We are 'friends' at the moment and he's a nice guy but I just don't rock his world. Damages your self confidence I can tell you.
Why did I break up with him if he was so perfect? Well, I felt as thought he was trying very hard to find the feelings for me he should have. He calls me the perfect woman but love is more than being perfect via perfect list. He was doing and saying the right things but it felt mechanical to me. It was missing the spontaneous things you do when you are in love with someone. On Valentine's day everyone gives, cards, flowers and gifts. But it is the thought that goes into those things that is appreciated. And you can tell someone has thought about it by the gift when it is something someone know you will love. Unfortunately you can also tell when someone hasn't given it much thought and this is what happened to me. Has been happening, Christmas, birthday etc. Just picked something off the shelf it felt like. It's a horrible feeling because it feels the same as not getting anything at all. After 2 years of being together he should have known what I like. The fact that he didn't or didn't seem to care what he got just as long as he got something saddened me and I realised while he has great passion for me he doesn't love me the way he should. I have a lot to give a man. That's why he called me special. Perfect. But he didn't realise I was only just giving him the tip of the iceberg in that respect. I was waiting for the moment to trust him with my gushing waterfalls of loving and emotion but he missed it and may/will never know it now sadly. These are now saved for another potential man.
So a bit of a disastrous valentine's experience for me. I don't much like the day as it doesn't go well for me. Then this year it was the first anniversary of my dad's passing on Valentine's day. So it was double whammy! When I needed love most I got nothing special really. It was time to get off that roundabout. Hard. I like him and he likes me but that's all. Friends. And it kinda sucks to be single again. I can cope with it and I was happy being single before but its' the adjustment. I'm sure I'll be fine. I aim to fill my life with lots of travel and fun and those kinds of distractions! I wish he loved me like I love him. He can't and that's not his fault. He tried hard to. Not because I was difficult but the spark just wasn't there for him in the end. :(
So this big girl going to take some time figuring out who she is again without a man and then later I might venture back into that scary world that is being plus size, just over 40 and finding a date who can cope with it.! Man, you know how hard that is?!!! I'll be sure to keep you updated on that. Lots of laughs abound there will be with that I'm sure!
Anyway, bigyoutifuuls. Feels good to be back. Stay beyoutiful and get in touch. I'd love to hear from you. Also I have a facebok page and I'm rather lonely on it. Come join me. www.facebook.com/beyoutiful
RayRay xx
