Put on a Happy Face

I'm not gonna lie to you although yesterday started off well it wet downhill rapidly that by the night time I was well depressed and tearey eyed.  My boyfriend was trying to drop it softly that he might not be home for Christmas and my heart just dropped.  He's been away working hard on his art and getting lots of exposure for it.  I am so proud of him but he's been away that long it's been hard without him.  He is so good about keeping in touch with me and letting me know how he feels about me but it isn't the same.  I got to be honest not being able to see him next month will be too much for me.  But he didn't actually say he wasn't coming for Christmas but that's what I read into it.  I can tend to jump to conclusions a little bit but I don't think I did here. :(  His response will let me know.  He still isn't really saying.  I was heartbroken.  With all that's been going on in my life these last few weeks I really could do with a hug from him.  His words are always beautiful but nothing can compare to his touch.  I'll let you know whether he comes home or no but for now that's sent me into a depression.  I tried not to think about it and busied myself with all sorts yesterday.  Writing, reading, laughing at youtube pranks, talking to my friends but the sadness was still there come the end of the evening.

I've been working so hard at university, at my personal projects, at getting part time work that perhaps I was just so overtired that when my sister rang and innocently began to grill me (or it felt like grilling) about something I knew she didn't understand and I couldn't help but break down.  My family are my life.  We lost our father earlier this year.  Our rock.  It's been hard as a family trying to operate without it's 'head'.  We miss and love him so much.  But I personally couldn't get ahead without my family.  Their support in my endeavours has been unwavering.  But there are times I face the stark reality that my family also don't get it.  They don't get the issues I face with my weight.  I was trying to explain to my sister that with all that I was doing it felt I was always swimming upstream against the tide because London in particular didn't seem Fat Friendly at all.  Whilst I put on a brave face about many of the issues I feel strongly about to do with my weight there are times I'm at a loss for words or feel powerless or just plain hurt.  I told her about the time I went to catch my tube to university and whilst waiting on a platform a lovely young slim blonde and her boyfriend came on to the platform.  The girl screwed up her face in disgust and said out loud to her boyfriend and all within earshot "how do you let yourself get that big!".  I was in shock for a moment and before I realised it my eyes began to fill.  To his credit her boyfriend looked mortified that she had cause me pain and whispered something to her which she shrugged off but he turned round and gave me an apologetic look which helped stop the flood about to fall down my face.  I told her about the reactions I'd get at jobs I'd turned up to for interview.  You just had to take a look at their faces to know.  You become an expert in 'knowing'  when you're big.  You know what I mean right?  You can just tell when your weight is an issue for someone.  They don't have to say.  How do you cope with that all the time?  My sister's response was just don't care about that.  You always think people are being negative to you about your weight.  You don't try things because of it.  I couldn't see what she was missing from what I'd just told her?!  I'd been verbally attacked with no motive and it was no wonder I hold strangers back before I know them?  In fact this girl was lucky it was early morning I was ill and in a low place.  I have been known to strip strangers like that before.  But on this occasion my armour was down.  

Then I remembered.  Unless you walk in someone's shoes no matter how sympathetic you are you can never truly know or understand.  I am not the only plus size person in my family but whilst my siblings are only just slightly overweight I am obese.  I am fat.  I am learning to live with that and quite frankly I think I'm fabulously beautiful!  But I'm not perfect and have moments where the arrows get through.  In those moments I can turn to y'all,  my bigYoutiful family in the on line world, where I know people get it and I'll get understanding and encouragement and someone's been through it before and can offer meaningful helpful advice.  I am so grateful that the plus size world across the globe is there for help and support.  Just by checking out some plus size fashions on line yesterday boosted me.  I imagined myself in some of the outfits and it took my mind away from my dark place.  I read other plus size blogs.  Listened to music.   Kept my faith.   

Today, I woke up determined not to feel sad.  I put on a happy and now I'm going to get out into the cool London autumn sunshine and sashay this big body of mine!  Hope I don't meet that girl again because this time I'm swing my curves in her direction and tell her "Skinny to the kerb!" " Fat n Fierce in the House!"  Achtung baby!!!

Listen, stay beYoutiful   bigYoutifuls and have a haaaapppppppy day!!!!   :) 

RayRay xx