So...wasn't going to post today. After all 'tis the sabbath' and I am supposed to be taking a rest from all things work. Giving thanks to God for this beautiful Sunday and making this day about Him. I should have been in church but this is a work in progress for me so right now I remember this day is about Him not me. Just where I am in my christian journey. Now y'all know, perhaps you didn't, but I have a faith and it is an important part of my life. I think my faith is responsible for the good things in my life and is what keeps me from descending into the deep dark depths of this difficult world.
Sipping on coffee, browsing on my laptop etc I realised I really ought to nip to the corner shop to get some essential supplies which I hadn't and should have bought yesterday. So I donned my favourite T Shirt - you know the one - not going to keep plugging it I promise but it's the - Keep Calm I'm Fat & Friendly T Shirt. Now today I wore this T Shirt because it was clean, big and airy. It' been fairly warm in London capital just now and the looser the garment of clothing the better for me. I was only going one block to the corner store so it wasn't going to matter. This T Shirt brings me so much attention and is a great conversation starter. But I wasn't really looking for that today. Just wanted my 'tid bits' and be on my way. Remember this day isn't about me it's about God and rest from these things. It's a lovely day so there were many people out. Some on their way to and others returning home from church. Some when they see me in the T Shirt will smile and see the humour in it, others are clearly offended (though no offence is actually intended), some are completely disgusted and some want to know where I got it and why I wear it.
But anyway, just as I got back to the gate to my block of apartments there were two women waiting at the bus stop also situated just outside the gate to the apartments where I live. They were very intrigued and stopped me to ask about where they could buy the T Shirt. The one woman was quite obviously plus size whilst the other was standard size. The conversation soon turned, as it always mostly often does, to weight and diet. The plus size woman was explaining that her whole life she had been trying to lose weight. Naturally, I sympathised with her. Clearly this is a lifelong battle for most women. She was explaining that she was finding some success with a high protein diet. I agreed with her. I have been coming to that way of thinking myself. An increase in protein in the diet seems to help reduce the appetite for in between snacking. Then we start to enter what I would call 'dicey' territory. I'm in my 40s and from the way this woman was talking she must have had about a good 20 years on me. She started to talk about how unhealthy fat people were and that we don't do enough. Nothing wrong with what she is saying so far right? But what was raising an eyebrow for me was the way in which she was saying it. I felt like she was blanket judging all big people in the way that people who don't take time to understand the issues plus size people face which cause weight gain do. Judgemental and incorrect. It was almost as if she had switched from admiring my stance on the message I was giving on my T Shirt to suggesting almost that until fat people learn to control themselves they should have no rights and neither be seen or heard! I noticed as she was 'parrotting', yes parrotting, for she was parrotting what I have heard many self righteous standard sized people say without any substantial back up to what they are saying, that she kept looking at her smaller sized friend. I realised she was looking for approval and acceptance from this lady with every line she spewed. She wanted the lady to know she realised as a plus size person she was not worthy and didn't deserve acceptance because she had not yet won her right place in society. That's how I interpreted it. The said woman hardly uttered a word but was obviously very satisfied that her 'friend' was aware that there was something 'wrong' with her.
Instead of making me annoyed which it started to, more like irritated, I just ended up feeling so sad for this woman. She was obviously bright, articulate and full of potential but that part of her was being hidden from view by the "woe is me I'm so fat and ugly and unworthy" mantra she was blocking herself and others with. I listened politely, marking in my head important areas in the conversation to address with her when she was done, and when an opportunity presented itself I interjected. I challenged her on the dieting. I asked how many years her weight had been an issue? A long time was the confused response. I then asked if when 20 years ago she knew that she was fat and needed to lose weight had she in fact lost or gained? A little of both it appears and she is now pretty much the same as when she started. I then asked her what if in 20 more years, God willing, towards the 'winter' of her life, she finds she is again more or less the same weight? She said she would always keep trying. And I replied that would be right. This confused them both. I could only hope I was going to get my point across as articulately as I could. We should always be trying to improve our health. But that is just one part of who we are. We can become so focused on this one aspect that we do not live life to the fullest of its meaning today because we are waiting for this one aspect to change tomorrow and it may never. What a waste of life it would be. We become blinded to the other good things life has to offer even the plus sized of us in this world. Things which are meant to be lived and enjoyed in the here and now. Not only when we have finally conquered the biggest of life's challenges which is dieting and losing weight but do we do that because you may find life has passed you by and it doesn't even matter anymore. Society isn't wrong when it says we should be concerned for our health, we should be, just as they should be too, but it is wrong when society expects us to give up all else which makes us feel good in the present time in which we live until we earn the right by the pounds we shed. Unfair and unrealistic.
Why can't the doctors who love to bear the bad news that all fat people will die tomorrow realise that if that's the case we should be encouraged to try and change our health but if that is taking longer than necessary then I'm sorry at how awful this will sound to some but I'd rather live the life I have left to the fullest now! Giving me depression and low self esteem by the way you treat me and what you say to me because of my size is not going to help me is it? Helping me realise I have a lot to offer than just the focus of size which could benefit the world. This message which is really the reaching of self hate and loathing is what has kept so many of us in the plus size world from living. For far too long! The global media subliminal untrue messages about the plus size people needs challenging. Just saying. Of course this part of the conversation I left out of my speech. I didn't want to frighten anyone by speaking about death. I'm not a doctor. Meh. ;)
Anyway, when I'd finished my 'speech' and stood down from my soap box the standard sized woman's frown had deepened and she was not convinced I don't think. The plus sized woman was confused and uncomfortable because she'd seen the look on her friend's face and didn't want to risk losing her 'respect' I could feel. Just then their bus arrived. In the nick of time. I only hope some of what I tried to say to the plus size woman in particular had at least begun some revolution within her. I don't expect that she'd go home, don on a parachute and sky dive kind of change or anything just that she'd maybe realise and see (not be blind about) the fact that plus size people can live in the present. We aren't and shouldn't be waiting for the scale to approve our enjoying life as we are today!
I realise by this event today how far my journey to living positively and confidently as plus size person has come so far. The battle is hard and the process traumatic in places but I'm a lot farther than I thought. I've still a long way to go but today I felt I may have helped someone to start their journey of self acceptance. I have helped others before. Personal friends and complete strangers. Have I missed my calling in life? Plus Size Life Coach? I think I like the sound of that. ;)
Live Your Life Be Free!
Stay beyoutiful bigYoutifuls!
RayRay xx
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